A Taste of Blood Tide

Of the stories I’ve written about my misadventures following Dr. Peyton McKean on his biomedical crime-solving path, none is more satisfying than the desperate race for salvation from a murderer we encountered in “Blood Tide.” I suppose that satisfaction comes in some measure from the fact that it is the most recently-published of Dr. McKean’s exploits, but it is also true that it satisfies me greatly just to know I am alive after what seemed a very terminal bout with a cold and calculating killer.

There is a warm and positive thread to the story as well, and that involves members of the Duwamish Indian Tribe whom we met in the course of the investigation and who, with rare exception, were most generous with their sympathy and help when death seemed our only option.

On the chance that these remarks spark your interest, I’m including below a short passage from the beginning of the story. If your appetite for “Blood Tide” is wetted, then perhaps you’ll do us both a favor and pick up a copy of Seattle Noir at your local bookstore or online. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

-Fin Morton

Blood Tide
When we arrived at Herring’s House Park, the police were clearing off the yellow warning tape and packing their forensics bags and boxes, closing their case of an odd death in a parking lot and moving on. Kay Erwin, Epidemiologist at Seattle Public Health Hospital, had declared it shellfish poisoning, and the cops had quickly lost interest. But Peyton McKean was of a different mind. He was getting the lay of what had happened two days before by interrogating a young cop, rapid fire, as the officer rolled up the crime scene tape.

“The body lay here?” McKean asked, drawing an imaginary oblong line around a spot in the middle of the damp gravel.

“Uh huh,” answered the officer, stashing tape in a black garbage bag.

“And the victim’s pickup, parked here?” said McKean, sawing a transect line from the parking bumpers out into the lot with his long-fingered hands.

“ ’At’s right,” said the officer, cinching the bag and pausing to gaze amusedly at McKean, who moved animatedly around the rain drizzled lot quickly on long legs, marching off distances with his hands tucked behind his back like some intense, gangly schoolteacher. McKean was, I could tell, worried that he’d lack some detail of the circumstances surrounding Erik Torvald’s death, when the last cop who had actually seen Torvald lying face down in the parking lot was gone and done with the case. As the officer got in his squad car and prepared to close the door, McKean called somewhat desperately, “Anything else I should know?”

“Nuttin’,” said the cop, slamming his door and backing away, making a half-friendly wave at McKean as he left us alone in the lot.

“There’s more here than meets the eye, Fin Morton,” muttered McKean, lifting his olive green canvas fedora and scratching in the dark hair of one temple.

“There’s nothing here that meets my eye,” I replied, zipping up my windbreaker against the drizzle that had begun as soon as we got out of my Mustang. I looked around the otherwise empty quadrangle of gravel, the alder woods that stretched down to the bank of the Duwamish River below the lot, and the mudpuddled gravel footpaths, without much hope of spotting a clue. The park was devoid of people on a wet Thursday afternoon. “Maybe the cops are right. Maybe he just had shellfish poisoning. Don’t you think that’s possible?”

“Answer: no,” said McKean in his pedagogical way. “The levels of red tide poison in him were without precedent, off scale by any measure. To get the dose Kay Erwin found in his blood, he’d have had to eat ten buckets of steamers, or a dozen geoducks” —he pronounced the word properly: gooey ducks. “And yet,” he continued, “my immunoassay tests for shellfish residues in his guts came up strictly negative. He hadn’t eaten a bit of shellfish. The police may be satisfied that he poisoned himself, but neither Kay nor I believe it. Foul play is at work here, Fin. Somebody killed him, and I’d like to know who.”

“Right now,” I said, moving to the driver’s door of my midnight-blue Ford Mustang, “I’d like to get out of this drizzle.” McKean took one last look around the park as if wishing there were more to see than bare alder trees against a gloomy gray Seattle sky. Then he acquiesced, lapsing into thoughtful silence as I drove us out onto West Marginal Way and headed north past the Duwamish Tribal Office in an old gray house beside a construction site with a sign that read: “Future Site of the Duwamish Longhouse.”

“Muckleshoot Casino cash finally having an impact,” mumbled McKean absentmindedly as I headed for McKean’s labs on the downtown waterfront, where I had picked him up earlier. McKean suddenly cried, “Turn right, right here!”

I yanked the wheel hard and we bounded across some railroad tracks and onto a gravel drive that took us to another riverside parking lot, this one with a sign reading, “Terminal 105 Salmon Habitat Restoration Site and Public Access Park.”

“What’s here?” I asked, pulling up at a dismal postage stamp of greenery wedged between a scrap yard downriver and a defunct container terminal pier upriver, irked at how easily McKean had yanked my chain.

“It’s not what’s here,” he said, opening his door with a cerebral glow in his eyes, “but who’s here.”

At the end of a graveled path an observation platform overlooked the Duwamish River. McKean leaned his lanky frame on the rail and pointed a thin finger out across the expanse of muddy water to where several strings of dayglow red plastic gillnet floats drifted on a slow upstream tide, overshadowed in the distance by the container cranes and skyscrapers of Seattle. A fisherman in a small dingy was at the nets, pulling a big sockeye salmon into his boat. He quickly disengaged the netting from its gills and returned the net to the water. A fine drizzle dappled the brown water and lent a sheen to the fisherman’s dark green raincoat and hood. It put a damp chill on the back of my neck. “Unless I miss my guess,” said McKean, “that’s my old high school chum, Frank Squalco.”

“How can you be sure that’s him?”

“I recall Franky Squalco from Art Class at West Seattle High School,” said McKean. “Based on that fisherman’s humble stature and his rather square form, I guessed it might be Frank when I saw him as you drove. Furthermore, as you see, he’s gillnetting salmon, and only tribal people can use gillnets, so the odds improve. I’d like to get his take on this shellfish poisoning business.”

“Why would he know anything about it?”

“Because Erik Torvald was a geoduck fisherman, and Natives hold half the rights to geoduck licenses in this state, by law.”

As the fisherman drew in another salmon, our view of him was cut off when an outbound tug came down the shipping channel pulling an immense black barge piled with rusty cargo containers, so stupendously huge and near that it seemed for a dizzy moment that our viewing platform was moving past its black metallic hulk, rather than the other way around. When the barge passed downriver under the gray concrete rainbow of the West Seattle Freeway Bridge, the fisherman was already steering his dingy toward our shore. McKean waited, unaffected by the clammy air or the cold droplets that beaded his olive green canvas field coat and were getting down the neck of my jogging shell. I knit my arms around myself for warmth and wondered why I never dressed sufficiently for the weather I inevitably encountered when I tagged along on these adventures.

The fisherman throttled the boat down and glided into a small inlet on our right, helloed up at us absentmindedly, and then paused to take a long second look as his dingy bumped the beach.

“Peyton McKean!” A grin of recognition spread across his broad, brown, forty-ish Northwest Native American face. “I haven’t seen you in a while. What you doin’ down here where us poor Indians fish?”

“We’re investigating a murder.”

Squalco’s face clouded as he stepped out of his boat and pulled it onto the muddy shore with a bowline, his black rubber rain boots splutching and slurping in the muck. “Torvald?” he said. “Yeah. Too bad. Good geoduck man. But why they got you on the case? You’re not a cop. You’re a DNA man, so I heard. Pretty famous around here. When the Jihad Virus came, your vaccine saved a lot of lives, they say.”

McKean brushed the compliment aside. “Not DNA and not vaccines this time. I’m looking into a case of deliberate red tide poisoning.”

Squalco had been transferring three big salmon from the bottom of his boat into a large plastic bucket on the shore. At McKean’s remark, he paused, the third salmon cradled in his arms, one boot in the boat and one in the mud, stooped over. The pause was just momentary, and then he put the salmon in the bucket and turned and faced us where we stood above him on the observation deck. He swallowed hard but said nothing.

“You know something?” McKean asked encouragingly.

Squalco’s eyes shot sideways. “Red tide? Sure,” he said. “Puts poison in the clams. State of Washington orders us not to dig ’em then. We usually do anyway. I never got more’n a little buzz or two from it. Maybe threw up once or twice—but that coulda been the booze, y’know.” He laughed thinly.

“I meant,” McKean persisted, “do you know something about red tide in the murder of Erik Torvald?” At six-foot three, McKean has a way of looking imperiously down his long nose at people, and our height above Squalco on the deck amplified this effect until the man flinched. He cast his eyes aside again, and then bent and picked up the bucket with both gloved hands, grunting at its weight. He walked up the mud bank to a dented old blue pickup truck, where he huffed the bucket onto the waiting lowered tailgate, and then said to us, “Gotta go. Got plenty-a hungry mouths to feed.” He closed the tailgate, came back in a hurry, tied the boat’s bowline to the trunk of a small Douglas fir tree and turned to go. As he reached his truck door, McKean called to him.

“Interesting case.”

Squalco paused before getting in. “Yeah?”

“Massive dose of red tide poison. Died quick. No trace of shellfish in his stomach contents. Any idea why?”

“No,” Squalco lied with eyebrows high and mouth round.

“Red tide poison,” said McKean, “is one of the most toxic substances known; a paralytic toxin. First the tongue and lips tingle, then general paralysis sets in.”

“I gotta go,” said Squalco.

He got in and slammed his door and drove off spraying gravel. Watching him speed down the driveway and turn south on West Marginal Way, McKean shook his head.

“Oh, Frank,” he said with a note of regret. “What has my old pal got himself mixed up in?”

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Artwork Wanted

As a writer and a scientist, I’m always delighted to see one of my ideas converted into a piece of graphic art.

From time to time here on my blog, I’m going to invite artists to submit their interpretations of certain scenes, creatures, machines, concepts, places or events that have been described in one of my written pieces.

While I would like to offer huge cash prizes for the best entries, or perhaps a vacation trip to Dinosaur Country, budgetary restrictions compel me to offer only the following: anyone who makes a serious effort to create something visually interesting out of one of my ideas will have their art piece displayed on my blog site with a link back to any web page they care to submit with it.

I think this is a good incentive for artists who are new to the business to try their hands and perhaps receive a little recognition for their abilities. Old pros who charge an arm and a leg for their material probably won’t be interested, but budding young illustrators or those exploring a new medium or new subject matter, might find these pages an excellent place for some early exposure.

As far as copyrights go, feel free to watermark your material and of course, send a low-resolution version. I don’t want to overload my blog site with gigabytes of data so if you send a huge file, it will get reduced to much lower resolution anyway before it appears on the site. So save us both the trouble and keep your original high-resolution work and send something in the range of 600 by 800 pixels, okay?

If I, or one of my publishers, or a visitor to my blog, or the Metropolitan Museum of Art, want a higher resolution image, they’ll get in touch with you via that link you’re gonna send, right?

I’ve already put up a number of posts from which a clever artist could draw inspiration, but in future posts I’ll be more specific and tell you exactly what I’m looking for. Any and all sorts of creative efforts related to my writings will be gratefully received and posted as replies to one of my entries, whether pencil, paint, computer graphic, crayon, photo, video or what the heck, maybe even audio.

Ultimately, if a piece shows particular skill or illustrates my work in an ingenious way, it might just appear on the cover or within the pages of one of my forthcoming stories, books or novels, with its creator appropriately compensated for his or her effort.

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Uncle Herb at Pearl Harbor

I have an old family photo of a Navy Airman on his way to a brief, fateful encounter in World War II. That’s my uncle Herbert A Hopp, dressed in his tropical whites and wearing the brave smile of a man who has yet to witness the brutal horrors of war.

Herb with a lei

Herb in Hawaii, a month away from his call to action

The photo shows Herb on leave in Hawaii and being greeted with a traditional lei. This would have been in mid-December 1942, about a month before he flew into action against the Japanese Imperial Fleet.

I’ve been making some progress pursuing Herb’s military service record. I’ve gotten some deck logs of his ship the U.S.S. Copahee CVE-12 from the National Archives and the story is beginning to flesh out.

Herb reported aboard the Copahee sometime in November 1942 at San Diego’s North Island Naval Base along with the rest of his unit, VGS-12, Escort Scouting Squadron Twelve. In early December the Copahee steamed for Hawaii on her way to the South Pacific. Included in the ship’s log is a complete list of the names and service numbers of the 217 officers, airmen, and support crewmen of the squadron.

There are some interesting names on that list: Ivan John Herzing 652 15 42, whose later war record shows him surviving the entire war and quite a few engagements with the enemy, but whose white Navy issue web belt inexplicably turned up in an old kit bag of Herb’s along with some other Guadalcanal souvenirs; Joseph Riddle Jr., a pilot who died in the same action in which Herb was shot down and later had a Navy Destroyer named in his honor.

The smiling fair-haired boy shown in this photo is about one month away from his date with heroism and tragedy. Within that timeframe, he would go from the hale and hearty bucko seen here to a haggard and scrawny jungle island survivor with chunks of shrapnel in his forehead and chest, a permanent limp, and a record of two Japanese Zeroes shot down.

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Death of the Megaraptors

Hopp's feathered UtahraptorEvery once in a while it’s wise to admit you’re wrong and take it all back. That’s why I’ve decided to do away with the Megaraptors. Those, in case you missed them, were the nasty carnivorous dinosaurs that gave Kit Daniels and Chase Armstrong such trouble in the events I chronicled in the first two books of the Dinosaur Wars series.

Yes, the Megaraptors must go. You see, since the days when I wrote down those histories, the hard-working fraternity of paleontologists have dug up some new fossils that make it clear the beasts in question were not native to the North American Continent, never mind the local scene here at Twin Creeks Ranch in Montana.

Heck, the Megaraptors weren’t even members of the clan of maniraptors. Mani-who, you ask? Maniraptors were that line of meat eating dinos that included Velociraptor and a few other beasts with nasty clawed hands for grabbing their prey and even nastier-clawed feet for disemboweling any luckless victim they got their hands on. Click the image for an up-close-and-personal view.

Megaraptors, ten years ago, were hypothesized to be the biggest and nastiest of this group of meat munchers, based on a horrendously huge killing claw and a few other bits and pieces dug up in Argentina. However, some more digging since then has shown that the beast in question was actually a member of another branch of the dinosaur line. It’s sort of like they realized something they’d been calling a tiger was actually a bear.

It’s understandable paleontologists might want to revise such an error and publish new articles showing Megaraptors were members of a different group, but that’s where my problem starts. The new classification of Megaraptors proves they were members of a family of meatasauruses that didn’t even exist in North America. That makes it clear the beasts that pursued Kit and Chase into a crevice were not Megaraptors, but something else that’s about equally mean and nasty. So, what were they then? And how am I to faithfully chronicle these events if I can’t even name the bad guys?

Fortunately, other fossil diggers have come to my rescue. It seems in the ten-year time period in question, Megaraptors were not the only beasts getting their résumés updated. There were some pretty nasty maniraptors on this continent called Utahraptors after the state where their bones were found. Kit and her mentor, Dr. Ogilvey, had passed them over in naming the beasts because the fossils then known were quite a bit smaller than Megaraptor. Well, glory halleluja! Fossil hunters have now turned up some chunks of bone that imply Utahraptors, given half a chance, could grow as big as grizzly bears. That’s big enough to suit Dr. Ogilvey and he’s declared the local beasts to be present-day incarnations of that long ago line of killers.

Now, just to avoid embarrassing Kit Daniels, who reported these creatures to me while describing events that nearly ended her young life, I’ve decided to expunge the record of all mention of Megaraptor. That way paleontologists won’t accuse Kit and Dr. O of spreading misinformation about creatures that nearly had Kit for lunch.

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The Green Weenie Martini

I’ve often wondered what gives Peyton McKean his almost superhuman vision and ability to solve crimes where no clues seem to exist. One hypothesis is his choice of drink.

On any number of occasions when I’ve been with McKean at the stroke of happy hour — five o’clock sharp here on the West Coast of the USA — I’ve seen him consume a martini that I’d never encountered before I met him. He most often creates these himself because drinking establishments that possess the requisite ingredients are few and far between.

The first time I saw one I was shocked at the lime green color and the peculiar object floating in it. These days I’ve grown accustomed to their appearance and indeed to their taste, as I’ve had a few, although nowhere near as many as McKean who seems never to get intoxicated by them, even after two or three have slid down his throat.

Enough build up. Let me give you the recipe and explain McKean’s process as I’ve witnessed it on many an evening:

1. Put one-half jigger of chilled Green River Soda into a martini glass.

2. Cut a fresh lime in quarters and squeeze the juice of one quarter into a martini shaker, squeezing the be-juices out of it, as McKean says. Discard the rind.

3. Add two shots of Rangpur lime gin to the shaker.

4. Add a lot of ice to the shaker and shake for quite a while.

5. Strain the gin and juice into the waiting Green River.

6. Garnish with a mini Cornichon pickle.

7. Enjoy your drink while listening to other people asking, “What the hell is in that?”

McKean tells me he used to buy the key ingredient, Green River Soda, at his local grocery, but lately that source has dried up and he’s been forced to have it shipped in cases from Chicago, ordering it via the internet.

-Fin Morton

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Wind Chimes = Noise Pollution

My neighbors hung out a wind chime the other day. They’re really very friendly, outgoing people who always call out a pleasant, “Hi!” when our garage doors are open at the same time. So, what possessed them to cast me into Wind Chime Hell?

Am I really so eccentric that I’m the only one whose nerves start jangling in proportion to the amount of dinging and donging coming from one of those contraptions? I really doubt it. So somebody remind me. What was it that made wind chimes seem like a good idea to anyone — buyer, seller, gift-giver, whomever?

Let me describe a wind chime from my perspective, and then maybe you’ll understand my bad reaction to the hateful things. The one at my neighbor’s back yard gate gets going in any light wind and somehow manages to only hit two notes out of its six possible sounds. So I hear a “Ding-dong, ding-dong” doublet sound just like some prankster ringing a doorbell over and over and over and over again. How’s that for nice? I suppose I should just shout out to my neighbors, “Hey, your wind chime sounds like a broken doorbell,” but maybe they’d just stare at me like I was nuts and say, “No, that’s beautiful music, made by Nature.”

You see, I fear there’s a great gulf between me and the average wind chime fan. I’m a musician who occasionally plays for real money. As such, I know that if I were to play two notes over and over and over and over again, I’d not be asked back to play at that particular nightclub anytime soon. Of course, some wind chimes hit more notes than my neighbors’. Most chimes have 6, 7, or 8 tubes of metal that each play a unique note. So, all right, maybe 8 notes. Now, the musician in me says, “Hey. A piano has 88 keys. A guitar can hit a couple dozen notes. So, how is it that 8 notes are okay? If a musician in one of the big acts I’ve worked with (John Lee Hooker’s band, The Drifters, The Kingsmen, The Beaters) played only eight notes over and over and over and over again, he’d get fired after the first five minutes.

So, why do people think it’s cool to put out a device that repeatedly gongs just 7 or 8 notes, flooding the neighborhood with ding-dong racket? Do they not listen first, and hear the sound of birds chirping, insects buzzing, leaves soughing, and breezes luffing past their ears? I’m thinking that’s it. If you don’t pay attention to the natural sounds all around you, then you might think adding the clangor of a metallic device somehow improves your neighborhood’s soundscape.

I don’t.

And now the inevitable next step has been taken by the mindless forces of capitalism run amok: my local supermarket has begun selling the diabolical contraptions at the end of Aisle 3. It was bad enough when every hardware store started selling them, but now you can just grab one quickly without thinking, in between loading your cart with trans fats and salt. Take it home and hang it up with even less thought, then forget about it. Or give it to someone as a gift and they’ll hang it up and forget it.

Meanwhile, I hope the birds can learn to tweet between ding-dongs, because at the rate wind chimes are spreading, soon there won’t be any places you can go without hearing a wind chime chorus.

So, let’s face the ding-dong truth: wind chimes are noise pollution.

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New Dinosaur Wars book coming soon

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time lately revising the first book in the Dinosaur Wars series. It will be published online soon as an electronic version. As part of that effort, I’ve created a map of the military action in the unfortunate conflict that started our new relationship with the Kra, which I’m sure everyone will agree has improved quite a bit since the armistice.

As a refresher for those who’ve read some of my writings on the war, and as an introduction for those who haven’t, here’s the map in all its glory.

Dinosaur Wars battle map

Places and events described in Dinosaur Wars: Earthfall

The new edition, officially Edition 3, will have a new title, Dinosaur Wars: Earthfall, to distinguish it from the other stories in the series, Dinosaur Wars: Counterattack, Dinosaur Wars: Blood on the Moon, and the original first edition book, Dinosaur Wars. I’ve tried to avoid making big changes in the story I first told in Dinosaur Wars, but here and there, for the sake of completeness, I’ve added a bit more detail.

For instance, Saurgon, the Kra in charge of the deadly particle beam emanating from Phaeon Crater on the moon, was absent from the original Dinosaur Wars, but now he makes a couple of appearances in the revised book, Earthfall, just so people can get a feel for how low his opinion of humanity is. And his relationship with Gar, the only Kra willing to see humans as worthy of something more than extinction, is clarified. Did you know that Ugon, Saurgon, and Gar were co-equal leaders in a triumvirate of power at the top of the invasion force? That and a few other significant points are now to be found in the third edition. Third time’s a charm, right?

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Name Your Poison: Trans Fat

I’ve got a solution to the Trans Fats In Food problem. You know, those poisonous fake oils that keep showing up in your food despite people’s best efforts to get rid of them?

Here’s a simple change that would help a lot: food labels list ingredients by weight. Trans fats are listed as the number of grams your food contains (a gram is about a half a teaspoonful — that’s a lot). Here’s all I ask: list trans fats in milligrams. That’s all. Done. Story over. Trans fats will quickly disappear once that requirement is imposed.

There are plenty of people who will warn you of the dangers of Trans Fats. That’s why the U.S. Food and Drug Administration requires food labels to state the quantity of them in those corn chips you just bought.

Most people agree that they’re bad news, though they may not know why. I wholeheartedly agree, and that’s saying something because I DO know why, given my PhD training at one of the nation’s most respected nutrition schools, Cornell Medical College in Manhattan. Let me explain.

Did you know that trans fats are horrifically unnatural things? They’re made by taking healthy, nutritious soybean oil and treating it very mean. In giant industrial processing plants, huge stainless steel vats of the oil are heated and pressurized to temperatures and pressures you’d expect on the surface of the sun or in a nuclear reactor. Add to the mix some heavy metal in the form of palladium catalyst, bubble in some poisonous hydrogen gas, the same gas that blew up the Von Hindenburg, stir for a while and there you have it, industrial sludge where there once was wholesome vegetable oil.

The reason industry wants to feed you this stuff is because, unnatural material that it is, it lasts on supermarket shelves almost indefinitely. Nothing made with these fats gets stale or rancid, because they are too unnatural to get stale or rancid. That used to be viewed as a plus and was a major drive behind the creation of margarine. Imagine, butter that you can ship all over a war-torn world to feed the troops, and it doesn’t go bad. Wow!

Trouble is, it tends to collect in your arteries and make you die young. Your body fights back against trans fats by producing extra cholesterol, which is the body’s natural detergent, in an effort to dissolve the stuff. Unfortunately, too much cholesterol leads to early death too.

So, here’s why the FDA should insist trans fats be listed in milligrams, not grams. Companies have already learned how to fool the public using grams. You’ve seen it on the front of all kinds of food packages: 0 grams Trans Fat!!! I’ve learned that that actually means there are indeed trans fats in the food. How can that be? You learned the trick in grade school: rounding off.

Remember how as a child you learned to round fractions below 0.5 down to the next integer and fractions 0.5 and above up to the next integer? Uh huh, so the corporate conglomerates remember that one too. Let’s say your food has 0.222 grams of trans fats per serving. Yippee, Mr. Food Giant! You get to round down to zero. So, 0 grams Trans Fat, right?

One reason I read the ingredient list of every food I buy is that those 0 gram claims show up in all kinds of foods that contain partially hydrogenated oils — the sludge I was talking about before. Foods like cookies and chips are very often loaded with tans fats, despite the 0 gram certification that the FDA has seen fit to allow.

Well, I really believe trans fats are a health hazard (more on why in a later post). So what can we do? How about insisting that the FDA make one tiny, easy change in its requirements? Switch from grams to milligrams for trans fats. That’s all. No need to ban them. No need to fight about them. Just say they must be listed in milligrams, like many other ingredients are.

Then, 0.222 grams switches to 222 milligrams. Nobody needs to round anything. And, nobody can make a phony claim for zero of anything when the answer is actually a lot of something. You see, even a glob of 222 milligrams of fat is bigger than the average coronary artery diameter, plenty of material to start the hardening process. So let’s start facing the real facts with the real numbers in hand.

Frankly, I’m appalled at how much trans fat is still being sold in the average supermarket. Looking past the 0 gram claims, I see that MOST cookies and MOST chips on the shelf report using partially hydrogenated oils in their ingredient list. Under present requirements, that could mean as much as 499 milligrams per serving is slipping by as 0.499 grams, or 0 grams Trans Fat!!

Let’s get real. Report Trans Fats in milligrams. Then people will know how bad the problem really still is.

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My problem with candles

I’m allergic to candle smoke. That makes birthdays very challenging times but I manage somehow. They’re rare events anyway, so I don’t have to contend with them too often — of course, the number of candles at each one gets bigger each year. Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. This is:

Candles are on the increase. They are poisonous. They should be stopped.

I know you probably think I’m kidding but I’m not. Candle smoke contains the same chemicals as the exhaust of a diesel truck including cancer causing agents like benzopyrene and benzene.

I’m lucky in a way. My nose begins to itch almost instantly when I walk into a room where candles are burning (think restaurant, bar, friend’s house). That’s a warning. If I don’t escape quickly, then I get stuffed up after a while and spend the next two or three days with a hacking cough, a sinus headache, and itchy patches on my skin.

Now, I’m not here looking for sympathy — well not too much. I’m here on my soapbox to rail against the oil industry, which is the capitalistic source of paraffin, the main ingredient of candles. Paraffin makes up about 2 or 3% of every barrel of oil. What can an oil company do with that much waste product? Maybe once upon a time they could have dumped it somewhere, maybe a nice wetland, but nowadays Mamma EPA don’t allow no paraffin dumpin’ round here.

So where else can they dump what amounts to millions of tons of solid goo that won’t go into your gas tank? They’re dumping it on the public, convincing homeowners, barkeepers, and restaurateurs that it’s smart to pollute their indoor environments with fumes that would be illegal if they were leaked into a workplace by a diesel engine. And all those gullible people rush out to the local candle shop or even to their local drug store to pick up bag after bag of those damnable little tealight candles.

Listen to me, folks, those little candles pour benzene and benzopyrene into the air you, your friends, and your children breathe. The oil giants have pulled off a great coupe. How did they get rid of their titanic waste problem? They convinced YOU it’s romantic to burn it up in the places where you live and eat and drink. TAH-DAH! Big business gets the little guy to take care of its big problem and nobody’s the wiser.

Well, some of us ARE the wiser. Take me, for instance. There’s hardly a single restaurant in Seattle that I can go to without getting an unpleasant reaction that lasts for days. I’m very aware of how the oil giants are polluting the air all around me. And I know there are plenty of others out there who have this kind of reaction to candles. I’ve met a few and I know that benzene and benzopyrene are the sorts of chemicals that cause reactions in experimental animals. So why wouldn’t they cause problems in the ultimate experimental animals, humans?

I’d love to hear comments on this blog by others who have reactions to candles or know people who do. I have a feeling that the problem may be bigger than even I think it is, and must be spreading about as fast as the number of those evil little tealight candles.

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Dr. Ogilvey and the Creationists

Things have been quiet for a while here at the Daniels’ ranch in the heart of dinosaur country: no reports of T rexes lunching on hikers in Yellowstone Park, no pachyrhinosaur stampedes. Dr. David Ogilvey’s characteristic high-pitched laughter has been absent, too. He’s been in New York City, defending the local fauna from attacks of an unexpected nature: an anti-dinosaur campaign by creationists. Now, I’m personally neutral on the subject but many on both sides get rather worked up over it, so let me tell you what’s been going on.

Professor Edmond Lazarus of the Yorktown Divinity College several weeks ago challenged Dr. Ogilvey to a debate entitled, “Are The Kra Satan’s Demonic Legions?” Dr. O accepted the challenge and the debate was held in a crowded, boisterous hall on the Divinity College’s Upper East Side campus.

Prof. L made his case that the Kra, human-sized dinosaurs returned to Earth after an eon in space, are by their very existence a refutation of the account of creation in the Bible. Worse, the most conciliatory individual among the Kra, their leader Gar himself, was characterized by Professor L as a likely candidate for the Antichrist. This because according to Professor L, Gar leads unwary people astray with his protestations of friendship for humanity.

When Dr. Ogilvey’s turn came to speak, he countered that a 65-million-year-old civilization does nothing to refute the Bible, if (and here’s the big IF) the six days of creation are reconciled by assuming each of God’s days is 750-million years long. Then Dr. O presented a slide, reproduced below, explaining how all the geological eras since the Earth formed can be matched to a day of God’s work.

Dr O's Creation Timeline

Even the biblical references to the creation of various plants and animals fall neatly into place on one of six 750-million-year long days, as Dr. O was glad to elaborate for the crowd. They, however, being overwhelmingly of the creationist persuasion, greeted his words with catcalls and chants of “Satan’s spawn! Satan’s spawn!”

In his final remarks, Professor L accused Dr. O of simply dreaming up a likely scheme with the intent of helping Gar mislead a gullible public. In that light, Professor L concluded that perhaps Dr. Ogilvey was the real Antichrist.

Dr. O then concluded that perhaps Professor L was a monkey’s uncle.

What I find most distressing is Dr. Ogilvey’s seventh day, which has just begun and still has almost all of its 750 million years to run. Dr. O’s assertion that this is God’s day of rest is far from comforting. In a time when we could certainly use divine intervention on an almost daily basis, it’s challenging to imagine God dozing and not really paying attention to what we’re up to for the next 749.994 million years! I guess that means we had better get our act together and try to get along with each other on this planet without much intervention from God for quite a little while.

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