The first closeup photo returned by the asteroid-exploring space probe, Dawn, has shocked and dismayed mission scientists. Furthermore, the unexpected discovery on the surface of the largest asteroid in the solar system suggests grave consequences for all mankind.
In a prepared statement, a NASA administrator admitted, “We really uncorked the celestial genie on this one!”
The new image makes clear that Ceres is not a dwarf planet, as some scientists had suggested, but rather is a form of cosmic flypaper, programmed to destroy everything within a parsec if and when an intelligent species sends a probe in its direction.
The President, reached in an underground bunker ten miles beneath Washington DC, said, “Make no mistake. We are working on a new kind of drone to neutralize it. If we have the time. Meanwhile, I’ve asked Bruce Willis to reassemble the Armageddon team that saved us last time something like this happened.”